Sunday, November 24, 2013

Honest Confessions

My blog has been lifeless since May, 6 long months.  In the 6 years I have had my humble little space in cyberspace, I have averaged about 1 post/ week, until this year.  Life got busy, parenting got hard, I grew up some more.  Life happened and I lived life instead of writing about it.  Nd then the writing about it piled up and I never started again.

I'm a mom, and I don't split my time with any other paying job, not that motherhood pays in anything but kisses and smiles.  This year my mothering has been challenged in different ways with each of my 3 kids.

2013 started off with the birth of #3 and he wasn't anything like the other two.  When Grandma came to help when he was born, I honestly didn't know how we would make it after she left.  Baby was colic.  If he was awake he was crying or eating.  This didn't end but only changed when he went to formula and changed formula at 6 months old but by then he was not growing like the Doctors wanted, so the specialist visits began and mommy's stress level about feeding her little baby increased.

Over the summer we started to notice as #2's birthday approached that he wasn't reaching milestones we thought he should and after some research we determined he did in fact have some developmental delays that he had become very good at compensating for. So the specialist visits and therapy began, and the mama bear went to work to fight for the best for her son.  SO far we have 2 hours of therapies a week, and 3 labels for him.  Our investigation is almost over and we thank God for the progress he has made with the extra help.  But mommy worries if things are too hard, and must hover over daily tasks like eating and dressing, much more than I think I should.

Then of course there is #1, this year was our first year of making meaningful choices for her education and many around us will tell you it was something we agonized over and its only Pre-K.  To homeschool or send to program?  The learning environment we have provided at home up until now has its rewards in that she is testing well above age level, and sometimes thinks she is 5 years older than she is.

And then there is the rest of life that happens around us.  Grandmas passing away, promotions at work, and a house to make a home.  So all of this finds us in November almost December, and this mama burnt out on life, wishing it was slow down and magic fairy could come and push pause until the regular chores were caught up.  That there were more than one of me to drive the carpool and stay home with the sleeping baby.  That stress over my childrens' basic needs would consume me.  (Can he eat that with out spilling?  Has he pooped today?)

This mama is done and by the grace of God eventually it will get better but in the mean time its a struggle to see past the tomorrow piles of laundry and doctors appointments and dirty dishes. HOw much I want to get out of surviving and into living with Life to share.

... Just keep living, just keep living, just keep living... 
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